Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder:

    (no disrespect intended,also have not heard of a cure so far…)

    Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.   
    Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:
    I decide to water my garden.
    As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

    I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
    As I start toward the garage,
    I notice mail on the porch table that
    I brought up from the mail box earlier.
    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
    I lay my car keys on the table,

    Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
    And notice that the can is full.
    So,I decide to put the bills back
    On the table and take out the garbage first…
    But then I think,
    Since I’m going to be near the mailbox
    When I take out the garbage anyway,
    I may as well pay the bills first.
    I take my check book off the table,
    And see that there is only one check left. 
    My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

    So I go inside the house to my desk where
    I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking   .    
    I’m going to look for my checks,
    But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
    So that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
    The Pepsi is getting warm,
    And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
    As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
    A vase of flowers on the counter
    Catches my eye–they need water.
    I put the Pepsi on the counter and
    Discover my reading glasses that
    I’ve been searching for all morning.
    I decide I better put them back on my desk,
    But first I’m going to water the flowers.
    I set the glasses back down on the counter ,

    Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
    Someone left it on the kitchen table.
    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
    I’ll be looking for the remote,
    But I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
    So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

    But first I’ll water the flowers.
    I pour some water in the flowers,
    But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
    So,I set the remote back on the table,
    Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
    Then,I head down the hall trying to
    Remember what I was planning to do.    
    At the end of the day:
        
    The car isn’t washed,
    The bills aren’t paid,
    There is a warm can of
    Pepsi sitting on the counter,
    The flowers don’t have enough water,
    There is still only 1 check in my check book,
    I can’t find the remote,
    I can’t find my glasses,
    And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
        
    Then,when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

    I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
    And I’m really tired.
    I realize this is a serious problem,
    And I’ll try to get some help for it,but first I’ll check my e-mail….

    Author Unknown ,. . . or perhaps I just forgot.

    The Box

    When  Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said,   “I am putting a  box under the  bed. You  must promise never to look in it.”

    In  all their 30 years of marriage,Hillary never looked. On the  afternoon of their 30th anniversary,curiosity got the best of  her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.   She  closed the box and put it back under the bed.

    Now that she  knew what was in the box,she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening,they were out for a special anniversary dinner.   After  dinner,Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she  confessed,saying,“I am so sorry,Bill. For all these years,  I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our   bed.  However,today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But  now I need to know,why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the  box?”

    Bill thought for a while and said,“I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you,I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

    Hillary  was shocked,but said,“Hmmm,Jennifer,Paula and Monica. I am  very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However,  since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I  guess 3 times is not that bad considering your  problem.”
    Bill thanked her for being so understanding.
    They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill,“So why do you have all that money in the box?”

    Bill answered:“Well,whenever the box filled up  with empty cans,I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

    The Grasshopper and The Ant –Two Versions

     This  one is a little different….   
     Two  Different Versions …
     Two  Different Morals   

    OLD  VERSION

    The  ant works hard  in the withering heat all summer long,building his house and  laying up supplies for the winter.

    The  grasshopper thinks  the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
    Come  winter,the ant is warm and  well fed.

    The  grasshopper has no  food or shelter,so he dies  out in the cold.

     

    MORAL  OF THE OLD STORY

              Be  responsible for yourself!

     

    MODERN VERSION

    The  ant works hard in  the withering heat and the rain all summer long,building his house    and  laying up supplies for the winter.

    The  grasshopper thinks the ant is  a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

    Come  winter,the shivering grasshopper calls  a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed  to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving..

    CBS, NBC,PBS,CNN,   and  ABC show up to provide  pictures of the shivering grasshopper next  to a video of the ant in  his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

     America   is stunned by the sharp contrast.

    How  can this be,that in a country of such wealth,this poor grasshopper  is  allowed to suffer so?

     Kermit  the Frog   appears  on  Oprah with  the grasshopper
     and  everybody cries when they sing,‘It’s Not EasyBeing Green …’

     

     Occupy  the Anthill   stages  a  demonstration in front of the ant’s house  where the news stations film the SEIU group singing,We  shall overcome.

    Then  Rev Al Sharpton’s assistant has  the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper  while  he damns the ants. The Reverend Al can not attend as he has contractual commitments to appear on his MSNBC show for which he is paid over two million dollars a year to complain that rich people do not care.

    President  Obama   condemns  the ant and  blames

     President  Bush 43,President Bush 41,President Reagan, Christopher     Columbus,and the Pope  for  the grasshopper’s  plight..

    Nancy  Pelosi &Harry Reid exclaim  in an interview on The View    that  the ant has gotten  rich off the back of the grasshopper,   and  both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair  share.

    Finally, the EEOC drafts the  Economic  Equity &Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive  to the beginning of the  summer.

    The  ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of  green  bugs and,having  nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,his home is confiscated by the Government  Green Czar and  given to the grasshopper .

     The  story ends as we see the grasshopper and  his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s  food while the government house he is in,which,as you recall,just  happens to be the ant’s  old house,crumbles  around them because the grasshopper  doesn’t maintain it.

    The  ant has disappeared in the snow,never to be seen again.

    The  grasshopper  is found dead in a drug related incident,and the house,now  abandoned,is taken over  by a gang of spiders  who terrorize the ramshackle,once prosperous   and  peaceful,neighborhood.
    The  entire Nation collapses bringing  the rest of  the free world with it.

    MORAL  OF THE STORY:

    Be  careful how you vote in 2016.

    The world is full of grasshoppers.

     

     

    Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014

    Only weeks after leaving office on Jan. 20,2017,former President Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink,so he calls Troy the Plumber to come out and fix it.
    Troy drives to Obama’s new house,which is located in a very exclusive,gated community near Chicago where all the residents have a net income of way more than $250,000 per year.
    Troy arrives and takes his tools into the house. He is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Troy assesses the problem and tells Obama that it’s an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes. Obama asks Troy how much it will cost. Troy checks his rate chart and says,“$9,500.”
    “What?! $9,500?!” Obama asks,stunned,“But you said it’s an easy repair. Michelle will whip me if I pay a plumber that much!”
    Troy says,“Yes,but what I do is charge those who make more than $250,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free. This has always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact,I lobbied the Democrat Congress,who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way. It’s known as the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014′. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it.”
    In spite of that,Obama tells Troy there’s no way he’s paying that much for a small plumbing repair,so Troy leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber,but he finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Troy’s price,Obama does nothing and the leak goes un-repaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so bad Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink.
    Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour,and there’s a risk the room will flood,so Obama calls Troy and pleads with him to return.
    Troy goes back to Obama’s house,looks at the leaky pipe,checks his new rate chart and says,“Let’s see,this will now cost you $21,000.”
    Obama quickly fires back,“What? A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!”
    Troy explains,“Well,because of the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act,’ a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own plumbing,so there are fewer payers in the plumbing exchanges. As a result,the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that,but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There’s a long waiting list of those who need repairs,but the amount we get doesn’t cover our costs,especially paperwork and record-keeping. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business,they’re not being replaced,and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can’t make any money at it. I’m hurting too,all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won’t pay their ‘fair share’. On the other hand,why didn’t you buy plumbing insurance last December? If you had bought plumbing insurance available under the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act,’ all this would have been covered by your policy.”
    “You mean I wouldn’t have to pay anything to have you fix my plumbing problem?” asks Obama.
    “Well,not exactly,” replies Troy. “You would have had to buy the insurance before the deadline,which has passed now. And,because you’re rich,you would have had to pay $34,000 in premiums,which would have given you a ‘silver’ plan,and then,since this would have been your first repair,you would have to pay up to the $21,000 deductible,and anything over that would have a $7,500 co-pay,and then there’s the mandatory maintenance program,which is covered up to 17.5%,so there are some costs involved. Nothing is for free.”
    “WHAT?!” exclaims Obama. “Why so much for a puny sink leak?!”
    With a bland look,Troy replies,“Well,paperwork,mostly,like I said. And the internal cost of the program itself. You don’t think a program of this complexity and scope can run itself,do you? Besides,there are millions of folks with lower incomes than you,even many in the ‘middle class’,who qualify for subsidies that people like you must support. That’s why they call it the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act’! Only people who don’t make much money can afford it. If you want affordable plumbing,you’ll have to give away most of what you have accumulated and cut your and Michelle’s income by about 90%. Then you can qualify to get your ‘Fair Share’ instead of giving it.”
    “But who would pass a crazy act like the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act’?!” exclaims the exasperated Obama.
    After a sigh,Troy replies,“Congress… because they didn’t read it”

    The Bogyman Cometh!

    Attention all you Golfers:The “Bogey Man”cometh (or has arrived). Beware!!!!

    Buying Golf Balls…..

    (Receptionist) Hello,Welcome to ObamaGolf. My name is Trina. How can I help you?

    (Customer) Hello,I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been cancelled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site,but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.

    (Receptionist) Yes,I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the end of 2014. But I can help you.

    (Customer) Thanks,I ordered some Pro V1 balls.

    (Receptionist) Sir,Pro V1’s do not meet our minimum standards,I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle,TopFlite,or Callaway Blue.

    (Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.

    (Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable,so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them. TopFlites are better,sir,I am sure you will love them.

    (Customer) But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?

    (Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page “Affordable Golf Ball Act”passed by Congress.

    (Customer) Well,how much are these TopFlites?

    (Receptionist) It depends sir,do you want our Bronze,Silver,Gold or Platinum package?

    (Customer) What’s the difference?

    (Receptionist) 12,24,36 or 48 balls.

    (Customer) The Silver package may be okay;how much is it?

    (Receptionist) It depends,sir;what is your monthly income?

    (Customer) What does that have to do with anything?

    (Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy;then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level,you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case,I can refer you to our BallAid department.

    (Customer) BallAid?

    (Receptionist) Yes,golf balls are a right. Everyone has a right to golf balls. So,if you can’t afford them,then the government will supply them free of charge.

    (Customer) Who said they were a right?

    (Receptionist) Congress passed it,the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.

    (Customer) Whoa…..I don’t remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.

    (Receptionist) There’s no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution,but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitution had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.

    (Customer) I don’t believe this…

    (Receptionist) It’s the law of the land,sir. Now,we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package,so what is your monthly income,sir?

    (Customer) Forget it,I think I will forgo buying balls this year.

    (Receptionist) In that case,sir,I will still need your monthly income.

    (Customer) Why?

    (Receptionist) To determine what your ‘non-participation’cost would be.

    (Customer) WHAT? You can’t charge me for NOT buying golf balls.

    (Receptionist) It’s the law of the land,sir,approved by the Supreme Court. It’s $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income…..

    (Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous,I’ll pay the $49.50.

    (Receptionist) Sir,it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income,whichever is greater.

    (Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!

    (Receptionist) Actually sir,it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.

    (Customer) Look,I’m going to call my Congressman to find out what’s going on here. This is ridiculous. I’m not going to pay it.

    (Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir,that’s why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.

    (Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of cell phone I am using?

    (Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates,sir

    (Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)

    (Receptionist) That would be the IRS,sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf,have a nice day…and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

    Obama Administration Announces Obama-Dental

    With lots of concern about the effects of ObamaCare and new program has been slowly sneaking its way through the halls of Washington.  Somebody noticed that the number of people not having Dental coverage in their health insurance is much higher than those who merely lack medical insurance.  Therefore the administration with the aid of Dr Ezekiel Emmanuel  is diligently working on a new program to be introduced soon.

     

    OBAMA-DENTAL

     

    Coming soon to a mouth near you!

     

     

    Permalink

    An Open Letter To Liberals
    BY RAT ON APRIL 19,2013

    Dear Liberals,
    I wanted to send along my condolences in regards to the rough week you guys have had. Now that the Boston Marathon bombers have been officially identified as Muslim terrorists,I can only imagine how heartbroken you must be.
    Hell – I wouldn’t be surprised if Tingles Matthews is on 24-hour suicide watch. Then,you have the morbidly-obese Michael Moore,who immediately speculated that the bombers were “white right-wingers,” now pathetically claiming via Twitter that he was “right.” (Seems as if he missed the part about the killers being
    radicalized Chechen Muslims.)
    Anyway,I can only imagine how embarrassing it must be that once again,one of your self-appointed spokesmen – er,sorry,
    “spokespersons” – is such a spectacularly sore loser.
    Speaking of spectacularly sore losers,your president’s little temper tantrum in the Rose Garden after the Senate handed him his ass on the gun-control bill must have been embarrassing as well. To add insult to injury,it was the Democrat-controlled Senate that did the ass-handing – with five Democrats joining the ranks of the evil
    Republicans – or as O likes to call them,the “enemies.” I’m sure that the disappointment of being denied the opportunity to blame the bill’s defeat on John Boehner and the House Republicans was
    excruciating for him.
    Take heart though;O’s humiliation,coming after he pulled out all the stops,including using Sandy Hook parents as props – multiple times,will only serve to motivate him to issue yet another slew of executive orders – and Congress will be circumvented again! So,see?  All it not lost in your efforts to control the guns of law-abiding citizens. Besides,this is only one loss in the long march to confiscate guns;have a little patience!
    I’m sure it must also be rough for you guys to read about the horrific testimony and see the grisly images coming out of the
    Philadelphia abortionist’s murder trial. Not very good for the cause,is it? Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place;your media refuses to cover the story in its effort to protect abortion at all costs – while it continues to draw an
    ever-increasing amount of criticism for doing so. I mean,it’s getting so bad that even liberal commentators are pointing out the
    hypocrisy. Too bad Gosnell didn’t kill all those babies with an AR-15,huh? How awesome would that have been?
    Anyway,chins up,dudes – it won’t be this bad forever. Besides,if the fertilizer plant explosion in Texas turns out to have been
    intentionally caused by a white right-winger – better yet,a white right-wing Christian –everything will be good again on Planet Looney Tunes. Keep your fingers and toes crossed.  Have a great weekend,
    A Concerned Conservative

    P.S. Almost forgot:So sorry that the deluded nut job Elvis
    impersonator who sent ricin-laced letters to O and several members of
    Congress turned out to not only be a Democrat – but a Democrat
    activist,no less. Man,when it rains,it pours,huh?

    PETA Stalking Hunters

    We’re told that soon,the sky will be filled with drones,spying on us. …The predictions that Americans will soon be under constant surveillance by drones fail to take into account American ingenuity. Navy Admiral Jonathan Greenert unveiled video of a successful test of a new type of laser that can shoot a drone out of the air at a cost only about a dollar a shot.

    Air PETA

    PETA Air

    And on the domestic front,the animal rights group PETA said it’s considering buying small drone aircraft to fly over woods and fields,to “stalk hunters” and monitor them with video cameras. This sounds like an idea they haven’t thought through yet. In fact,judging from Internet comments,some hunters can’t wait. PETA already tried this last year on some pigeon hunters in South Carolina. Their drone was shot down within minutes. What PETA calls “stalking hunters with drone aircraft,” hunters call “skeet shooting.”

    Mike Huckabee,4/11/13

    For more information see:  http://mikehuckabee.com/

    —————

    Yea Buddy!  Bring it on.

    The Perfect Gift for the Wife

    I too thought about getting my wife one of these.  Since reading this I have decided that perhaps my wife does not need one.
    Chuck

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived,with no long term adverse affect on your assailant,allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short,I bought the device and brought it home…I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,however,that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time,I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately,I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay,so I was home alone with this new toy,thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries,right?

    There I sat in my recliner,my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So,there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,directions in one hand,and Tazer in another.

    The directions said that:

    a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;and

    a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″long,less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy,bitsy AAA batteries);pretty cute really,and thinking to myself,‘no possible way!’

    What happened next is almost beyond description,but I’ll do my best.

    I’m sitting there alone,Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say,‘Don’t do it stupid,’reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,pushed the button,and…

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE…!!!

    I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door,picked me up in the recliner,then body slammed us both on the carpet,over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,with tears in my eyes,body soaking wet,both nipples on fire,testicles nowhere to be found,with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note:
    If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’yourself with a Tazer,
    one note of caution:

    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
    A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can’t be sure,as time was a relative thing at that point),I collected my wits (what little I had left),sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    · My triceps,right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
    · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    · I had no control over the drooling.
    · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts,but was too numb to know for sure,and my sense of smell was gone.
    · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head,which I believe came from my hair.
    I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    PS:My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience,loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    (author unknown –probably intentionally)

    If you think education is difficult,try being stupid!!!!

    Why Garden Snakes are Dangerous

    Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes,grass snakes,not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.

    A couple in Sweetwater,Texas,had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell,the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

    It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up,it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

    She let out a very loud scream.

    The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

    He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him,so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

    His wife thought he had had a heart attack,so she covered him up,told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

    The attendants rushed in,would not listen to his protests,loaded him on the stretcher,and started carrying him out.

    About that time,the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

    The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house,so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman,who sat down on the sofa in relief.

    But while relaxing,her hand dangled in between the cushions,where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted,the snake rushed back under the sofa.

    The neighbor man,seeing her lying there passed out,tried to use CPR to revive her.

    The neighbor’s wife,who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store,saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods,knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

    The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him,so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey,and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

    By now,the police had arrived.
    Breathe here…

    They saw the unconscious man,smelled the whiskey,and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all,when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

    The police called an ambulance,which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

    Now,the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over,the lamp on it shattered and,as the bulb broke,it started a fire in the drapes.

    The other policeman tried to beat out the flames,and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who,startled,jumped out and raced into the street,where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

    Meanwhile,neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires,put out the power,and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

    Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital,the house was repaired,the dog came home,the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

    A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

    And that’s when he shot her.