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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’ Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’ The man said, ‘I do, Father.’ The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’ Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ ‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied. ‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’ The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’ O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’ He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians..’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’ ‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’ ‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’ He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’ ‘Just water,’ says the priest. The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’ The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’ ‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’ ‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’ ‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’ She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’ He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’ David said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’ ‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. ‘Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you’re not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil’s brew. Why don’t you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?’ ‘Hang on, Sisters,’ spluttered Murphy. ‘How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it’s wrong to form such a rash judgement when you’ve never tasted the stuff?’ ‘Very well,’ said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can’t go into the pub, so why don’t you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!’ ‘OK,’ said Murphy and into the bar he breezed. ‘I’ll have a large gin,’ he said to the barman. ‘And can you put it in a cup?’ ‘My God,’ said the barman, ‘that nun’s not outside again is she?’ The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times. Murphy’s voice frrom in the confessional says, “It’s no use knockin’…There’s no paper in here either!” “Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do.” O’Brian burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.” “Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.” O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?” The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The Genie explains, “well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.” The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.” “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?” Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “This is unbelievable!” the first man says. About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him. ‘Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?’ He tries. The two continue to stare. ‘Parlare Italiano?’ Still absolutely no response from the two lads. ‘Hablan ustedes Espanol?’ The Dublin lads remain totally silent. The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, ‘Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!’ ‘Why?’ says the youth, ‘That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good!’ When O’Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.’ To be shure it was, Boss, ‘he replied, ‘I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.’ ‘Gosh, that’s awful, ‘replied the foreman, ‘Do you want the rest of the day off?’ About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O’Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright. ‘Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!’ ‘No, ‘replied the Irishman.’ It’s worse, I have I’ve lost all me luggage.’ ‘That’s terrible, how did that happen?’ The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer. Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?’ asks Paddy. The Texan answers, ‘Yes, ‘and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, ‘If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?’ Paddy Murphy replies, ‘Oh………………. I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.’ I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation. However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O’Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows: ‘What happened to you?’ asked Callaghan. ‘I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op’s plate glass window,’ mumbled O’Reilly.’ ‘Begorrah,’ exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, ‘It’s a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you’d have been cut to ribbons!’ On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. ‘Isn’t that Red Adair’? The other replied, ‘No’. The old boy then said, ‘I’m sure it is and I’m so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong’. The doubting one said, ‘Ok’ and they both went over to Red and the one said, ‘Are you Red Adair’? To which Red said he was. The doubting Irishman said, ‘Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers’? Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have? Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Examiner: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got? Clean Irish Jokes Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five? “You’re suffering from a disease that we medical experts call “kneeitis”, said the doctor. “Take it easy for a month or so and above all don’t climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees.” A month later the Kerryman returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely. “Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?” “Certainly,” replied the Doctor. “Thank Heavens,” said the Kerryman, “I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet.” Paddy scratches his head, then answers “A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. “Granted master” retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. Paddy was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. “Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?” “You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle” he asks the Genie. “Well, for my final two wishes, I’d like another two of them” TRUE STORY FROM… “THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER” IN HOUSTON , TEXAS Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse. The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions. The Woman Replied, “I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work. I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe… I Was There Alone So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol That Was In My Purse That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder. ” “All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left. As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse. I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, ‘No Way Punk! You Are Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips.’” “I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!” When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, “Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?” The Woman Replied Under Oath, The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work At The Cafe, The Next Day! Now that’s Gun Control we can believe in …. The message went out to despots everywhere from the heart of DC to the bowels of the Fuhrer’s hideout. Scott Brown took the Massachusetts senate seat and with it the Democrats’ super majority!! It’s a dark day for tyrants everywhere. . . . My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,
Holy CRAP, my dog is a Democrat!written by Newt Gingrich The editorial writers at the New York Times thought they were getting the White House’s back when they defended cuts to Medicare Advantage last week. In fact, they were validating the blatant dishonesty of administration and congressional officials pushing for the cuts. In their editorial last Sunday, the Times writers revealed in stunning fashion the lies that have been used to convince increasingly skeptical seniors that their Medicare Advantage benefits won’t be sacrificed to pay for government-run health care. Dishonesty: Then, literally on the next line, the Times contradicts itself, and stumbles inadvertently on to the truth: Intimidation: Current legislation in Washington will gut the program. H.R. 3200 in the House will cut Medicare Advantage by $172 billion. The bill sponsored by Sen. Max Baucus in the Senate will cut the popular program by $123 billion. If you’re just hearing about this now, here’s the reason: When Humana (with whom we’ve worked with in the past at CHT) tried to inform its Medicare Advantage members that Democratic health care reform could lower their benefits, the government ordered them to cease and desist and opened an investigation of the company. Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) subsequently introduced legislation in the Senate Finance Committee to protect the 1st Amendment rights of private insurance companies to criticize health care reform proposals. Democrats on the committee unanimously defeated the bill. Hypocrisy: The AARP Sells Out Seniors Of course the Washington leadership of the AARP is working closely with Democrats on health care reform. Incredibly, the self-appointed voice of America’s seniors supports “reforms” that will cut the benefits — if not the entire Medicare Advantage coverage — of millions of seniors. How can this be? It’s simple. The AARP is a liberal interest group like any other, and it cut a deal with the party in charge in Washington. In exchange for selling out the seniors it claims to represent, the AARP will get potentially millions in lucrative insurance contracts, and quite possibly something more. Tell Your Friends We’re Not Going to Take It Anymore But all that is required for these tactics to prevail in Washington is for good people to sit back and do nothing. As debate in Congress continues, here’s what you can do: Send this newsletter to a friend, a co-worker, or a relative who isn’t yet aware of what Washington is doing. Send this newsletter to your senators and representatives. Let them know that, despite the dishonesty, the intimidation and the hypocrisy, we know what they’re doing. And we’re not going to take it anymore. Your friend, =================================================== Many of us seniors have depended on the AARP for years for information, cost saving offers, and representation of seniors interests. We can not depend on them to do that and we can not sit by like sheep while they accept our membership fees at the same time they sell us out in Washington while lying to us to boot! Let them know what you think by cutting up your AARP card and sending it back to them! There is an alternative with the American Seniors Association. Perhaps even a better suggestion is to cut up your AARP card and send it to the ASA with your new membership application. They will give you a second years membership for that cut up card! That’s a whole lot more than we are getting from AARP these days. Check out the American Seniors Association It is a true seniors advocacy organization that has not sold out to the big money offers from Obama and the Washington establishment and it deserves our support. I have no connection to the ASA and only pass on this information as a service, . . . . and because I am genuinely ticked off big time about what Washington and groups like the AARP are trying to do to our country. Chuck We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us. Rain or shine we walk around the roads, all talking at once. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate animals like chipmunks out to scare us, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity. My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my ‘Ask me about my Grandchildren’ T-shirt, my mid-calf shorts, my socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap. Before you know it it’s time for lunch. We go to Sam’s Club to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don’t have any doctor appointments, we might go to the Post Office and see almost everyone. We’re usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we are late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day’s lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, sweet-and-low packets and mints. At 5:30 PM we’re home ready to watch the 6 o’clock news. By 6:30 we’re fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it’s time to get up and start a new day all over again. Doctor related activities will eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don’t mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor’s phone menu. Then there is the hold time until you are connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you are holding, and the whole office goes to lunch. Many of the receptionists are quite rude. They keep you standing at that dopey little, closed glass window, totally ignoring you. After 1/2 an hour, I ignore the ‘DO not tap on the window’ sign and tap on the window. This always drives them nuts. If you do, they put down their Egg McMuffin or their copy of the Enquirer, and fling open the window, ready for a fight. I lie, explaining I tapped on the window accidentally because I have Parkinson’s. They claim they are required to keep the window closed because of the privacy law but I don’t believe it. Are they afraid if I were to overhear that someone has hemorrhoids, that I would blackmail them or sell the information to a foreign government? In Colorado everyone has hemorrhoids! Choosing a development with suitable amenities is an important decision. The various clubs in these communities provide most of the activities. Our development has over 30 clubs. There’s something for everyone. Clubs like the kidney donating club, the Taliban Club, the East meets West club, not to be confused with the West meets East club, etc. A truly active community is one where the ambulance is there several times a day and is part of the Travel Club. Mostly, it’s important to choose a development with an impressive name. Alpine names are very popular in Colorado. They convey… uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live… Jim Bob’s Condo’s or the Mountain Lake Estates? There is no difference. They are both owned by Jim Bob who happens to be a Texan. I hope this material has been of some help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you’re in Colorado. I live in ‘The Wilting Willows Park,’ in South Fork. unknown senior If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one. ***** If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat. ***** If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. ***** If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. ***** If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. ***** If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. ***** If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels. ***** If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church. ***** If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. ***** If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed. ***** If a conservative reads this, he’ll forward the link so his friends can have a good laugh. |
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Copyright © 2010 The Coffee Shop - All Rights Reserved |
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How Times Have Changed 1957 vs 2010
HIGH SCHOOL – 1957 vs. 2010. What a simpler life we had in high scho0l as compared to the kids today.
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 – Crowd gathers.. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..
1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock
2010 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes on to college.
2010 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2010 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents — and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
JUST HOW STUPID HAVE WE BECOME? No wonder so many kids today are a mess.