A Condensed Version of World History

    For those who don’t know much about world history……here is a condensed version.

    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

    The two most important events in all of history were:

    1. The invention of beer,and
    2. The invention of the wheel which was invented to get man to the beer.

    These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

    1. Liberals
    2. Conservatives.

    Once beer was discovered,it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing,fetching,and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
    Liberal movement.

    Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

    Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,the invention of group therapy,group hugs,and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

    Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,most powerful land animal on earth,the elephant.

    Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish,but like their beef well done. Sushi,tofu,and French food are standard liberal fare.

    Most social workers,personal injury attorneys,journalists,dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters,rodeo cowboys,lumberjacks,construction workers,firemen,medical doctors,police officers,corporate executives,athletes,Marines,and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . The liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

    Here ends today’s lesson in world history……. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above.

    RETIREMENT –Daily Schedule

    We get up at 5:00 am,have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us. Rain or shine we walk around the roads,all talking at once. After a nimble walk,avoiding irate animals like chipmunks out to scare us,we go back home,shower and change for the next activity.

    My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class,followed by gasping for breath and CPR.

    I put on my ‘Ask me about my Grandchildren’T-shirt,my mid-calf shorts,my socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap.

    Before you know it it’s time for lunch. We go to Sam’s Club to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch,if we don’t have any doctor appointments,we might go to the Post Office and see almost everyone.

    We’re usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM,but we get there by 3:45 because we are late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day’s lunch and dinner,including extra bread,crackers,sweet-and-low packets and mints.

    At 5:30 PM we’re home ready to watch the 6 o’clock news. By 6:30 we’re fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it’s time to get up and start a new day all over again.

    Doctor related activities will eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the waiting room,so I don’t mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor’s phone menu. Then there is the hold time until you are connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you are holding,and the whole office goes to lunch.

    Many of the receptionists are quite rude. They keep you standing at that dopey little,closed glass window,totally ignoring you. After 1/2 an hour,I ignore the ‘DO not tap on the window’sign and tap on the window. This always drives them nuts. If you do,they put down their Egg McMuffin or their copy of the Enquirer,and fling open the window,ready for a fight. I lie,explaining I tapped on the window accidentally because I have Parkinson’s.

    They claim they are required to keep the window closed because of the privacy law but I don’t believe it. Are they afraid if I were to overhear that someone has hemorrhoids,that I would blackmail them or sell the information to a foreign government? In Colorado everyone has hemorrhoids!

    Choosing a development with suitable amenities is an important decision. The various clubs in these communities provide most of the activities. Our development has over 30 clubs. There’s something for everyone. Clubs like the kidney donating club,the Taliban Club,the East meets West club,not to be confused with the West meets East club,etc. A truly active community is one where the ambulance is there several times a day and is part of the Travel Club.

    Mostly,it’s important to choose a development with an impressive name. Alpine names are very popular in Colorado. They convey…uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live…Jim Bob’s Condo’s or the Mountain Lake Estates? There is no difference. They are both owned by Jim Bob who happens to be a Texan.

    I hope this material has been of some help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance,please look me up when you’re in Colorado. I live in ‘The Wilting Willows Park,’in South Fork.

    unknown senior

    To the Guy Who Tried To Mug Me

    Posted to Craig’s List Personals:

    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in
    Downtown Savannah night before last..

    Date:2009-03-23,3:43 AM EST

    I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings.

    I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.

    I didn’t expect you to mess your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket Truth is,I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening,and it wasn’t that cold outside.

    You see,my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol,eh?

    It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head,isn’t it? I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes,cell-phone,and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

    I took the liberty of calling your mother,or “Momma”as you had her listed in your cell,and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s,along with all of the cash in your wallet.

    I threw the wallet in a fancy pink  “pimp mobile”parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell-phone. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now,so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service.

    I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

    I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky..

    –Alex –

    P.S. Remember this motto……  an armed society is a polite society!

    The First Time

    First Time Sex

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event,the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner,she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

    The boy is ecstatic,but he has never had sex before,so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

    He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register,the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy,a 3-pack,10-pack,or Family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,it being his first time and all.

    That night,the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh,I’m so excited for you to meet my parents come on in!’

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

    A minute passes,and the boy is still deep in prayer,with his head down.  10 minutes pass,and still no movement from the boy.  Finally,after 20 minutes with his head down,the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,‘I had no idea you were this religious.’

    The boy turns,and whispers back,‘I had no idea your Father was a pharmacist.’

    South Louisiana Crash Diet

    Mizz Boodro had to lose weight…she was too big,yeah! So she went to see Doc. Thibodeaux who put her on a strict regime.

    Doc Thib said,“Mizz Boodro,losing weight is not hard. Here is an easy diet:Eat what you want,as much as you want,anytime,fuh two days. Den,skip duh whole third day. Keep dat up fuh three weeks,den come back and see me.  Ah expect you will lose at least five pounds.”

    Three weeks later,Mizz Boo went back to see Dr. Thibodeaux. The nurse weighed her,and she lost THIRTY POUNDS! She was thrilled!

    Doc Thib said,“Mais,Mizz Boo,dat is wonderful! Did you follow my instructions?”

    Mizz Boo said,”Mais,yeah,Doc. But Ahm tellin ya,Ah thought Ah was gonn drop dead on dat third day,me. Ai-Yie,dat was tough,yeah!”

    Doc Thib said,”Ah assure you,Mizz Boo,nobody ever died from hunger in just one day.”

    Mizz Boo said,“Mais,no Doc. Not from duh hunger. From all dat Skippin!

    New Pastor in South Louisiana

    The new preacher,PASTOR BOODRO from south Louisiana,was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty,the country music singer.

    On his first day on the job at a new church in Morgan City,he decided to visit some of the church members he was told who hadn’t been to service lately.

    He went to the first lady’s house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door,the lady screamed,“Conway Twitty!”

    “No ma’am,”he replied. “Ah’m you new pastor,Boodro,an’Ah came to have prayer wit’you.”So she said to come right on in.

    He visited several more homes,and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

    Then he knocked on the door of a young widow woman’s house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time,so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.

    When she saw her caller,she threw up her hands –which of course allowed the towel to fall to the floor!

    “Oh my God!”she exclaimed. “It’s Conway Twitty!”

    Wide-eyed Pastor Boodro looked left,then right,walked in,and said…

    ……..

    ……..

    ”Hello,Darlin’! “